Lost In Mommy's Shoes

Memories of Jen.. R.I.P Christmas

2004-12-25T16:13:00.000-08:00

Deana Carter-We Danced Anyway

I remeber
You were laughing,
We were so in love
and the band played
songs that we had never heard
but we danced anyway
we never understood the words
we just sang,
lalalala
and we danced anyway...

(A little bit of memory to remeber Jennifer On this holiday.. Love you always.. Rest In Peace.)

Yesterdays Not Today And I'm Not Your Baby.

2004-12-25T16:06:00.000-08:00

I really think you should know,
You don't mean all that much to me.
Days when you'd call and i'd get butterflies
But everytime i hear your voice,
I just want to throw you through a wall.

You know it'd be really cool if you'd just shut up.
I'm slamming on the brakes,
Kicking you out.
Dust surrounds us and hides me from you.

Stop chasing me,
I'm leaving you behind.
Walk away from me I got better places to be.
Pocket your pride. Right Now.

Just shut up
shut up
shut up

You know it'd be really cool if you'd just shut up.
I'm slamming on the brakes,
Kicking you out.
Dust surrounds us and hides me from you.

Stop calling, You just bore me.
Stop writting, Your excuses are all the same.
Stop touching me, You know it just makes me mad.

I'm running out of excuses for you,
I'm tired of hiding from you.
I'd really like it if you'd just disapear.
You're no longer a part of me
and you really just get on my nerves.

Just shut up
shut up
shut up

Who Am I?

2004-12-24T15:16:00.000-08:00

Dear...

So, It's been quite some time before i sat down and typed up an update, but i've gathered up some free time here now. I'm on my second day of Christmas Holidays and tommorow is Christmas. I don't know why but Christmas doesn't really matter all that much to me anymore... I used to get all excited and everything but now, I just dont. It took me so long just to get in the mood to wrap Christmas presents.

So much has been going on lately and at first I thought, what is going on? why me? why now? mostly i just needed some answers. But i found out that i didnt need an answer from anyone. I needed to answer the question myself, and then i wondered why i couldnt even answer my own question. It turns out I was asking myself the wrong question all along. What I should have been asking myself was: Why Am I settling? Why am i stopping with less than perfect? Now, i'm not saying that this boy wasnt perfect, I'm saying that he wasnt perfect for me. The best way to describe my feelings for him "Its just a crush, not like i faint everytime you touch me." It was nice to have someone there for me for those couple of days-weeks but i was just settling for less than what i want. So in the end, i learn more about myself and i gain another friend.

I've decided to make a list of all of the things that i'm looking for in a partner...

A guy who can make me laugh
A guy who enjoys laughing
A guy who likes to have fun
A guy not afraid to talk to me
A guy whose not afraid to make a fool out of himself
A guy with a beautiful smile
A guy that can make me feel safe
A guy that takes care of himself
A guy who feels comfortable being with my family
A guy who my family feels comfortbale being around
A guy who loves children
A guy who i can trust, and who is not afraid to trust me
A guy who values honesty..
And lastly, A guy who just, gives me butterflies.
I know exaclty what i want, but for some strange reason i keep settling.. I don't know why i do stupid stuff like that.. why i try to make everything perfect. I guess i'm just like that, Trying to make everyone happy, sometimes i get wrapped up in what others have that i try to fool myself into a fake romance. This time, i'm ready for a fall. Hands up, i'm runnign down the street, this is who you get. This is exactly who i am.

Im the girl whose going to want to be with her friends as much as she wants to be with you. The girl who can never sit still for a whole class. A girl who wants to fall on her face, eating snow, just to show you up at a sport you are amazing at. Im the girl who will be cheering you on, screaming your name in the stands and yelling at the ref for bad calls. I'm the girl whose going to roll down her crappy car windows and sing really loud to stupid love songs. I'm the girl who wont go down without a fight. Who isnt afraid to be herself. I'm the girl whose going to defend her rights and her beliefs, even if it gets her ass kicked. I'm the girl who can put on any type of clothing, look like a complete fool, and feel gorgeous walking down the street. Im the girl whose going to jump up and down, scream really loud, ride all the fast rides, sing all the lyrics to every fiona apple song. I'm the girl who loves to dance. Im a cheap drunk and i dont care. I'm the type of girl who doesnt care if her car plays tapes or mp3s. I'm amuzed by everything around me. If you think im afraid to be who i am, just dare me.. and ill show you, I wont lie.

*I feel good, yeah i feel fine!"-Josie and The Pussy Cats

Love, SmashLyn!

Hope In Me.

2004-12-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

She lied to herself.
She always had the answer. It was written inside her hand. She saw it everyday. She felt the ink seeping in.
She never accepted it. She didnt want to. She cared too much.
She thought he was so great. She wanted to fall so hard-so she lied to herself.
Her fake romance never lasted. They both knew the reality.

He always pushed her to the bedroom door. Grabbed her in ways he never knew,hurt.
She'd always count the seconds-till she could breathe. He always held on a little too long. And it hurt.
He always could make her smile, but it was never enough to keep him around.
A strong friendship, she thought. But it was just lonliness leeching to one and another.

I feel so fine right now. Because even though we didnt reach the stars, and your not here liek you said, I've got myself, and i know its going to be alright. Tonight. Tomorrow. and Always.

So grandpa,

2004-11-21T12:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i see you with those tears in those eyes,
standing on that porch,
smoking that pipe,
reading that paper.
You wont admit it-
that your bones are growing old
that your skin is creating history.
Youth is admirable, i guess.
Knowledge is something you valued-till now.
Roating old in your rocking chair,
i can tell, by the folds under your eyes,
that knowledge never gave you life.
As you walk through the valleys
of a land you used to farm,
you run yesterdays work through your dust infected eyes.
So grandpa,
tell me, was it worth it?
knowledge to gain money and money to gain power and power to loose love,
to die alone-regrets overtaking your bones,
was it worth it?

Matti.

2004-11-21T00:09:00.000-08:00

why did we have to meet/
why did we have to date/
it woulda been easier if i never met your pretty face/
now im all alone/
being thrown through all of my thoughts/
drop to my knees, god please make the pain stop
man i cant handle this/
im torn apart inside/
so all the times you told me you loved me
i guess you sorta lied/
whats worse is i believed you and trusted you word.

Matti boy, im missing you so much. We had no true goodbye-in a way i guess thats how it had to be. I wouldnt be able to say goodbye to your face. But i love you a lot and hope one day you will stop by, not forget me.

Dating Is Like Sex...

2004-11-14T23:38:00.000-08:00

I don't know who i was trying to kid when i thought things wouldnt change. Dating is like Sex. You only do it once with the same person or it becomes too repetitive, and eventually it is just a task. Unless you keep the flame in your relationship burning. Keep trying new sexual positions, going to different resturants, sky diving, even trips. But if everyday you can write a schedule to a stranger of your daily life with your partner-either your going to fall out of love and be too scared to admit it to your partner-for fear of being left alone and never falling in love again. Or you will leave them and sue for all of your partners money and posessions. Rarely is there couples that you can find that mutually leave each other, move on happily and keep in touch-go for coffee, go to the odd movie, go for walks, or even talk on the phone or possibly the internet. Why is it like this? Becasue it just is. Woman are more emotionally then men, but that doesnt mean that they wont suck up and act like nothing hurts them. We cry to our girl friends and we eat our emotions through chocolate chunk ice cream and read about heartbreaks in our teeny bopper magazines. We may be weak but we are fairly good at making that un ovbious to guys. And guys are just too damn good at not caring at all.. But then you get the odd bird who is an emotional train wreck-and boy what a turn off i tell you. I mean, us girls, we get a week a month where we have an excuse to be bitchy... PMS! But wait till you meet a boy that has PMS ALL THE FRICKING TIME! WHAT a turn off.. to meet a guy who cries more than you! For some couples this works.. but for me, It wont. I need a man to be strong and take care of me even though i might not need to be cared for. I need a guy to be independent-neediness will push me farther away. So guys.. Need me but don't need me. Maybe if you understand that.. maybe, you will understand me.

Love,
Ash.

Sex Time.

2004-11-14T15:48:00.000-08:00

Tricks That Double His Pleasure (Taken From Cosmo, pg. 126)

My Favs:

The Neck-Lip Nibble: Nibble his lower lip, moving from one corner to the other. Slide one hand behind his neck and draw figure eights with your fingertip.

The Outer Ear-Pleasure Trail Trace: By tracing your tongue and finger along each erotic expanse concurrently, you'll send streams of lust coursing through his body. Brush your mouth against the rim of his ear, gliding your lips down to the lobe and then back up. At the same time, run your index finger from his naval to his pubic-hair line.

The Member-Backside Massage: Have him lie on his back, his knees bent and spread apart. Slide your hands under his butt, pumping your fingertips into his skin gingerly. Then bring the head of his member to your mouth, taking him in and out at the same speed as your fingers are pumping his backside. *You can prevent him from going over the edge too soon by focusing only on the massage.

Some little side notes about your guy: (pg. 130-133)

1. How he handles a minicrisis: How willing he is to work with you to fix the problem. When a guy is capable of working through a crisis with you, not against you, it proves that he really cares. He is in it for the long term.

2. What he does when your Ex calls: There is a big difference between a fleeting sense of insecurity and jealousy that interferes with your relationship. Hes insecure and threatened which means he doesnt trust you totally. And true love requires trust. Someone who is really into you wont doubt you so much.

3. The way he reacts to your bad day: When your partner can handle your bad mood without taking it personally, you can trust that he loves you because he accepts you. Being attuned to your needs is another measure of how smitten your guy is, because it shows that he pays attention to what makes you tick. If he can be there for you- and comfort you-when you need him most, you know you have one tight connection.

4. How he treats your pals: But if your guy seems allergic to your friends, he might also have an aversion to committing to you. A mans interest in your life and the people in it is a clear indication of his interest in you. If he isnt making the time to meet the people who matter to you, he may not be emotionally invested in the relationship.

5. Whether hes quick to rescue you: A guy whos committed is there for you when you need help. Your guy may be supportive for big things, like when you get really sick, but its what he delivers on those day-to-day dilemmas that you know your happiness takes priority. Ultimately, you want a guy whose got your back.

Love,
Ash.

Life Is Easy. Most Of The Time

2004-11-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

No hero in her scars, she would tell herself. Every blow to the chin, ever bruise-bleeding within, every kick to the heart. She got used to him hurting her. It was never enough to make her want to leave. She knew he was not her hero. Nowhere near her prince. Yet, she held onto him. Becasue that is what people do when they are in love. They hold onto each other. Through battles, through honours. But when would she know where to draw the line? When would it be too much. When would love be happy. Tearless, scarless, painless. Every night, "I love you." He would tell her. Close his eyes. The night was over. And just like that the actions, moments ago. Erased. She would forgive him but not forget. As the pain lived on in her swollen body. She was a walking corpse. The kind of girl who swallowed pride for love.